Harry Potter and the Various Fictional Universes
by LadyVenomTheDreamer
Summary: Harry and the gang end up in various fictional universes after Ron gets the wizard flu and his powers go haywire. So far Aladdin the Telletubbies and Hansel & Gretel. Harry/OC. Warning: Some language
1. Prolouge

**Prologue**

In a land far away, in a place untouched by time or sanity, stood a castle known as the Castle of Scary Shit. Two large zombie Silverback gorillas stood guarding its gates. Ravens perched on the turrets, cawing almost evilly to each other. The castle itself was large, dark and haunting, like something straight out of a horror movie.  
Its interior was possibly more frightening than the exterior, with wooden floorboards which looked thousands of years old and ready to collapse under an unsuspecting person's feet, and large silk chairs covered with a thin layer of dust.

Sitting in one of these chairs was a young woman who called herself Lady Venom. She was stroking the head of her pet, a zombie Capuchin monkey named Archie.  
They were soon accompanied by Lady Venom's closest friend, another young woman known as The Dreamer.  
The girls planned to write what they hoped would become the most popular and most hilarious Harry Potter fanfiction story ever, but realised that probably would never happen so they got blind drunk and wrote down whatever random crap they could think of. This poor excuse for literature was accidentally posted on when the two drunken friends decided this was a good idea. It was not until morning that they realised their mistake.

To assist with this piece of crap-- err, writing-- the girls decided to make things a whole lot more interesting by adding two original female characters named Alexandra "Alex" Arganaugh and Cassidy "Cassie" Snape into the Harry-Potterverse.

Never fear dear readers! These characters would not become Mary Sues for the writers would be watching their every move from above to ensure that this would not happen. Even if they came close they would not cross the line and would not display any Mary Sue-ish behaviour and if you should happen to spot any it is not our goddamn fault as you people really are too picky--

"Dreamer, that's enough, we do not want to offend our readers!" Lady Venom scolded her friend.  
"Whatever." The Dreamer shrugged. One of Venom's zombie chimps appeared with a silver tray of drinks, and the girls both took one.  
"Maybe you two should get on with the story instead of bickering." He said in his slurred, living-dead-monkey voice.  
The girls turned to Venom's computer and got to work.

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns the Harry Potterverse. We own the additional characters (especially Shizzle, he's ours, you can't have him!), plot, and other stuff.

**Chapter 1**

**"You sure you're all right Ron?" Harry asked as they crossed the Great Hall. "You've been looking off colour all morning."**

**"****Been sick all night and its worse this morning," Ron replied, dully. **

**"Why not go to the hospital wing, then?"**

**"No way...you know Pomfrey's solution to anything is always Pepper Up potion, and have you tasted that stuff?"**

**"Good point."  
"I just hope it's not Wizard's Flu." Ron grumbled.  
"Wizards have their own flu now?" Harry asked lamely.  
"It's not like ordinary flu," Hermione explained knowingly, sounding (as usual) as though she was reciting a passage from a book. "It has odd symptoms, like making strange things happen every time the patient sneezes."  
"That explains my scarf turning into a twelve foot python," Ron moaned.**

**"Oh, _fantastic_." Professor Severus Snape's voice moaned. "Try to control yourself, Weasley. If one of us suddenly sprouts antlers I'll know who to blame."**

**Beside him was his daughter Cassidy, nicknamed Cassie, absent for the first sixteen year of her life due to her mother gaining custody after the messy divorce from her father. Cassidy immediately moved to curl herself into Harry's arms, much to Snape's annoyance.**

**Snape had never approved of Cassie and Harry's relationship but Cassie had made it blatantly clear that she didn't care. ****Harry, his emerald eyes fixed worriedly on Ron, wrapped his arms around Cassie's slender frame and absently nuzzled at her long chocolate-brown hair.**

"**Is it contagious?" Cassie asked.  
"Not usually, but it can be transmitted through some forms of physical contact." Hermione explained. ****They suddenly heard voices coming up the stairs from the dungeons, which distracted them from the current problem.**

**"Come on Dracs, you only get to live once."**

**"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?"**

**"Not enough times apparently."**

**"Well I'm telling you again. And I'm not smoking that garbage, it smells like someone died."**

**"Fine then, your loss. But if you ever change your mind..."**

**"I'll be sure to check myself into an asylum, because you'd have to be crazy to touch that filth."**

**Cassie grinned. **

**That bickering could only be her childhood friend Alexandra "Alex" Arganaugh. ****They had known each other as long as she could remember and had enrolled at Hogwarts together when their mothers decided to move to Britain.**

**Alex came into the hall arguing with Draco Malfoy. ****His cronies Crabbe and Goyle followed.**

**"You know what your problem is? You're too uptight. When you decide to get rid of that broom you've got shoved up your arse give me a call."**

**Ron sneezed and s****uddenly Draco found himself staggering under the weight of a pair of extremely large and heavy antlers which had sprouted from the top of his head just above his ears. ****Alex burst out laughing.**

**"Oh shut up." He snapped. "It's not that funny."**

**"Yes it is!" Alex spurted between giggles.**

**Inexplicably, Snape waved his wand and somehow managed to remove the antlers.**

**"Okay, that was weird." Cassie said, stunned.**

**However, things were about to get weirder.**

**Suddenly, Ron sneezed again, and with a similar sensation to that of a portkey, the group felt themselves being removed from the Great Hall.**


	2. Aladdin

**Chapter Two**

**Lady Venom:**** Our friends found themselves in the middle of what appeared to be a large, empty, endless desert full of absolutely nothing but rocks and cacti.**

**Snape:**** WEASLEY! WHAT DID YOU DO?!**

**Harry:(****looks angry and opens his mouth to yell at Snape)**

**Ron:**** Hey****, at least this time he's not yelling at you.**

**Cassie: ****Where are we?  
**

**Alex:**** Hey Cass what's with the outfit?**

**Cassie:**** What? (looks down)**

**Lady Venom:****Cassie found herself wearing a rather skimpy outfit, very VERY similar to the outfit worn by the character Princess Jasmine in the Disney movie Aladdin. Guessed it yet, people? **

**Snape: ****Cassie please put some actual clothes on, we're in public.**

**Lady Venom: Public? It's only me and Dreamer watching.**

**Snape: Exactly.**

**Ron:(****looks up at the sky) Who IS that?**

**Lady Venom:****I am Lady Venom and I will be your narrator for the duration of this story, accompanied by my friend, Dreamer. Dreamer, where the hell did you go? Are you in the bar again?! I told you ten minutes ago, NO MORE VODKA!!**

**TheDreamer:****I'm looking for the minties. If the greasy one decks the weed with the glasses I want to watch.**

**(They all looks up the sky with extremely confused looks on their faces)**

**Snape:****Riiiiigghhht**

**Harry:**** Hang on, "weed with the glasses"?**

**The Dreamer:**** Oh please, I've met drag queens more manly than you.  
**

**Ron: ****We're all going to die!!**

**TheDreamer: I****t was then that the spineless weasel collapsed to the ground and started sobbing like a little girl.**

**Ron****: I AM NOT SOBBING LIKE A GIRL YOU BITCH!!**

**Malfoy****: Notice he didn't deny the "spineless weasel" part.**

**Alex: ****Dracs, it's amazing. I've finally met someone with less balls than you.**

**Draco:**** (scowls)**

**Alex****: Oh, I'm scared. (looks down) what the??**

**Lady Venom:**** Alex was now wearing a guards outfit which really did not suit her as she was far too short.**

**Alex:**** Oh, shut up.**

**Hermione:**** Look, a marketplace. And a palace off in the distance. This must be the Aladdin universe!**

**Harry: ****Hermione are you implying that we somehow ended up in a fictional universe?**

**TheDreamer:****No shit, Sherlock.**

**Harry: (looks down and realises he's dressed like Aladdin)**

**Crabbe and Goyle: (Are now dressed as guards and ****suddenly run at Harry wielding large swords.)**

**Snape: Finally, some action.**

**Alex****: (****tries to follow but falls over backwards because her sword is too heavy)**

**Snape****: Alexandra, put that sword down before you kill yourself!**

**Crabbe and Goyle: (****continue to chase Harry)**

**Malfoy:****Yes! YES! GET HIM!**

**Crabbe and Goyle:(****trip over their own gigantic feet and fall in a heap on the ground)**

**Malfoy:****Oh you SUCK!**

**Cassie: ****Hang ****on. If I'm princess Jasmine does that mean you're the Sultan?**

**Snape: ****Well something about this trip should be worthwhile (looks down and sees he is dressed as Jaffar) Oh, hell.**

**Alex****: Even better, you get to be the evil wizard guy!**

**Snape:**** (sarcastically) Is that any different to...never mind.**

**Hermione****: So, who is the Sultan then?**

**Professor Flitwick: (****comes out of the palace dressed as the Sultan) that would be me!**

**  
****Alex****:****Wait a sec, why do we all suddenly know about the Aladdin movie when me, Cassie and Hermione are the only ones who have seen it?**

**Lady Venom & TheDreamer: ****Because we said so.**

**Draco****: I hate you.  
**

**(Brick falls on Draco)**

**Draco****: ... ouch.**

**Alex:**** Is he going to be ok?**

**TheDreamer:**** He'll be fine **

**Snape:**** That was violent and uncalled for!**

**TheDreamer****: Sue me.**

**  
****Lady Venom:**** Dreamer, enough! Stop injuring them or there'll be no one left by the end of the story!**

**TheDreamer: ****Fine.**

**Draco: ****What is the point of us being here, really?**

**Snape: ****Ask him (points at Ron)**

**Draco: ****Ah, touché.**

**Ron: (opens his mouth to argue) ACHOO!**

**Snape: (groans)**

**(They all get sucked away like before)**


	3. Telletubbies

**Chapter Three**

**Lady Venom: ****Our chapter begins in a large, grassy field full of beautiful flowers, which for some reason had faces like Snape, Crabbe, Goyle, Ron and Hermione. Happy little bunnies scamper about from burrow to burrow.  
We are soon joined by four jolly characters who just **_**love**_** to make friends.**

**(****The Sun, normally depicting the image of a baby's face, appears bearing the image of the Fat Lady from Hogwarts, singing in a very high-pitched voice)**

**(Speaker box rises from the ground)****Speaker Box:**** Where are the Teletubbies?**

**Lady Venom: ****Tinky Winky...**

**(At this time, our friends, dressed as the Teletubbies, are all hiding behind a hill smoking Alex's Wizard weed)**

**Lady Venom: ****PUT THAT SHIT DOWN AND GET OVER HERE!! Now...Tinky Winky!!**

**Harry: ****(waddles over dressed as Tinky Winky) Why did I have to be the purple one?**

**Lady Venom: ****Look, Potter, suck it up and say the line, ok? Tinky Winky!!**

**Harry: ****(sounds depressed) Tinky Winky**

**Lady Venom: ****Do it properly.**

**Harry: ****(fake cheer)****Tinky Winky!!**

**Lady Venom: ****That's better. Dipsy!!**

**Draco****: NO!**

**TheDreamer****: Just do it.**

**Draco****: (waddles over dressed as Dipsy)**

**TheDreamer****: Say the line.**

**Draco:**** (cries)**

**Alex:**** Hey! Only I'm allowed to be a bitch to him!**

**TheDreamer****: Fine, we'll move on.**

**Lady Venom:**** Lala!**

**Cassie****: (prances on in the Lala costume) Lala!! Does this make me look fat?**

**Harry****: No, you look gorgeous. (walks over and kisses her)**

**Cassie****: (kisses him back)**

**Snapeyflower:**** Cassie! This is your flower--I mean father-- talking! I'm not familiar with Muggle television but I'm quite sure Lala and Tinky Winky are NOT supposed to make out!!****Hermyflower****: Professor Snape is right, I don't remember any romance in the show.**

**  
****Draco****: You watch this shit?**

**  
****Hermyflower****: When I was five, Malfoy. (blushes and mumbles under her breath) and only to make fun of it... **

**Lady Venom:**** Let's get on with it! Po!!**

**Alex: ****Get Fucked!!**

**TheDreamer: ****Language!**

**Lady Venom: ****Just do it, Arganaugh.**

**Alex: ****Oh you can just go and (bleep) yourself! Wait, what the (bleep)?**

**Lady Venom: ****This is a show for kids, we can't have you swearing.**

**Alex: ****Oh (bleep)!**

**Lady Venom: ****Now, where were we? Oh, right. Po!**

**Alex****: (depressed tone) Po...**

**Lady Venom:**** Do it again and be more perky!**

**Alex****: Not unless I get a joint!**

**TheDreamer****: DO IT!**

**Alex****: Fine! PO!**

**Lady Venom****: Much better.**

**Fat Lady****: LLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!**

**Alex: ****SHUT THE (bleep) UP! (throws lala's ball at the Fat Lady)**

**Fat Lady: ****(Screams and falls out of the sun)**

**Crabbe and Goyle: (****Grunt in surprise and pain as the ball lands on them)**

**Alex:**** Oops, Sorry guys **

**Hermyflower****: Violence, swearing, sexual tension, and drugs. Could this get any more messed up?**

**Snapeyflower:**** Drugs? Who's taking drugs?**

**  
****Alex:**** Nothing Sir, no one has drugs.**

**Snapeyflower:**** You damn well better not!**

**(Draco and Harry have snuck more Wizard Weed and are smoking it under the telletubby helmet/mask things)**

**Draco****: (laughs like a stoner) What's up with air? It's such a big thing but such a little word...**

**Snapeyflower:**** (stares at him)**

**Draco:**** (starts laughing at nothing and falls on Harry who is also high as a kite)**

**Harry:**** Hehehe...air...**

**Alex****: That's it. We need to get out of here.**

**(Everyone looks at Ron)**

**Ron****: Well it's not like I can sneeze on cue.**

**(Alex storms towards Ron who backs away looking scared)**

**Ron:**** ... **

**Alex:**** (grabs Ron and tickles his nose with a feather duster)**

**Ron****: (tries to push her off) that's not going to work, Alex.**

**Alex: ****Has anyone else got any ideas?**

**Cassie: (Tickles Ron)**

**Ron: ****Stop that! That's not going to make me sneeze!**

**Alex: ****Keep it up, maybe he'll wet himself!**

**(****Alex and Draco cheer Cassie on and Crabbe and Goyle make encouraging grunting noises)**

**Ron****: ****Give up guys it's not going to...uh oh.**

**Alex****: Has he peed himself yet?**

**Cassie****: No Alex, don't be disgusting.**

**Ron****: Alex? You know I hate you, right?**

**Alex****: Ditto Weasel boy.**

**Ron****: Good, as long as the feeling is mutual. Oh hell...ACHOO!**

**(insert portkey action here)**

**Speaker Box: Time for Tubby Bye Bye!!**


	4. Hansel and Gretel

**Chapter Four**

**Lady Venom:** Our band of weary idiots—excuse me, travellers—

**Snape: **I really do hate you.

**Lady Venom:** --suddenly found themselves at the edge of a deep dark forest, with a winding path leading into its depths.

**Alex:** Let's follow the path.

**Snape**: Let's not.

**Hermione:** It's quite eerie, isn't it? I wonder where it leads to?

**Snape**: I have an idea. Let's not find out.

**Draco:** I agree, Sir.

**Harry:** You always agree with him, you suck-up.

**Draco:** Shut up, four-eyes! (gets zapped by a bolt of lightning) OW!!

**Lady Venom:** Well, cut out the name-calling, and I might not have to hurt you again. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Suddenly, Goyle spotted something on the ground, and alerted Crabbe of his discovery.

**Goyle:** (grunts, taps Crabbe on the shoulder, and points to a trail of small cakes leading into the forest)

**Crabbe:** (grins at Goyle and the two of them begin to follow the trail, gathering the cakes and eating them as they walk)

**Alex: I** really don't think you two should eat those; they've been on the ground...

**Snape:** Well, if they suddenly keel over and die we'll know why, won't we?

**LadyVenom:** Our friends followed the trail of cakes deep into the forest, until they came to a small clearing. Here stood a small, quaint little house made entirely from gingerbread and all types of sweets, such as gumdrops, Bertie Bott's Every-flavour Beans, and a large slab of rich, dark chocolate which was used as the front door. Crabbe and Goyle, of course, were unable to control themselves.

**Crabbe:** (begins gnawing on the walls of the house)

**Goyle:** (joins him, gobbling the candy-canes which were being used as garden-edging)

**Hermione: I** really don't think that's a good idea...

**Lady Venom:** Suddenly, the chocolate door crashed open with a thunderous bang, and a large figure burst out. The woman bore an uncanny resemblance to Hagrid; she stood at least eight-foot tall, with a head of wild bushy hair and an untamed beard covering her chin. She wore a flowery dress, the skirt barely long enough to conceal her massive hairy legs.

**Giant:** OI! Who are yeh an' why are yeh eatin' my walls, yeh tubs o' lard!

**Harry:** Hagrid?

**Giant:** I am Hagretta, an' I am the most powerful witch in this entire forest, 'ere! Now, as I asked yeh afore, who are yeh, eh? Yeh can' be 'Ansel an' Gretel, they've jus' left! Little bastards tried ter kill me, they did! Tried ter cook me in me own bloody oven!

**Hermione:** We're sorry to barge in like this but we're lost.

**Hagretta**: Lost, eh? Well, I s'pose yeh better come in, then. No tellin' what's runnin' around in them woods.

**LadyVenom:** The witch allowed our friends to enter her home. It was quite humble, with only a small bedroom, bathroom and a kitchen, all of which were also made from gingerbread. The furniture, however, was real, made from wood.

**Hagretta:** (eyes Crabbe and Goyle hungrily) I can tell yeh two have good appetites. I got a cake in the oven if yeh'd like some.

**Crabbe & Goyle:** (nod vigorously)

**Hagretta:** (hands them each a pair of oven mitts) Yeh can take it out yerselves, I trust yeh.

**Crabbe and Goyle:** (reach into the oven)

**Lady Venom:** Suddenly, Hagretta the witch pushed Crabbe and Goyle into the oven with the cake! Sheesh, talk about hospitality.

**Hagretta:** (tries to shut the oven door against Crabbe and Goyle's obese frames) (grunt) Why won' this damn thing close?!

**Crabbe&Goyle**: (struggle to get out, getting themselves coated in chocolate icing in the process)

**Hagretta:** (grunt, push, shove)

**Goyle:** (suddenly stops struggling and starts eating the cake)

**Lady Venom:** Suddenly, the oven broke apart from the strain of Crabbe and Goyle's large bodies inside it, and the two were able to escape, taking the cake with them.

**Hagretta:** OI! COME BACK 'ERE WITH THA' CAKE!

**Draco: **My God, you two were almost killed and all you can think of is food. Pigs.

**Hagretta:** (lunges at Crabbe and Goyle)

**Alex:** attacks Hagretta with a saucepan (bleep) off you (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)ing (bleep)!! I'm going to (bleep) you up in a minute! (bleep)! (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) the bleeper breaks FUCK!! Hey, the bleeping stopped!

**Lady Venom:** Note to self, get an unbreakable bleeper next time.

**Hagretta:** RAAAARRAAGGAAAAARRRRAAHGARAARRGHHHHHHH! (foams at the mouth)

**Snape:** (whips out his wand-yes, the wooden one, get your minds out of the gutter, people) AVADA KEDAVRA!!

**Hagretta**: Oh, fuck. (falls dead on the floor, crushing her furniture)

**Snape:** Well, that took care of that. Now, let's go find that path and get out of here.

**Ron:** No need.

**Snape:** Weasley, what are you on about?

**Ron:** ACHOOOO!!

**(Insert more portkey action here)**

**A/N: Please review guys, even if you just want to say it sucks. Sorry for begging but we want to know what people think. Thanks!**


End file.
